Healing

August 14, 2013

After a  long battle with what I thought were ovarian cysts, the mystery has finally been solved. Late Friday night, I begged Ryan to drive me to the emergency room, thought I was having another rupture and I was in incredible pain. After some ultrasounds, it was determined the demons that have been plaguing me over the last years, have actually been gall stones. 

They act similar to cyst pain, and the last ER doctor I had, performed a test that made determining between cysts and gall stones almost impossible. Because I had a "history" of cysts, I assume that he assumed that is what they were. 

Saturday afternoon, I was wheeled into surgery, and woke up just a couple hours later in recovery without a gall bladder. I have the best family and friends who have all been so great in taking care of me and Zoe. I came home Sunday and have spent the last days watching movies and sleeping, trying to heal. 

I'm happy to report I'm doing much better. Saturday after I woke up, it felt like I'd been sawed in half and would never be able to walk again. Thankfully that was an over dramatization and I'm able to get up and walk with much less pain. 


I posted a link to this on my Facebook page a few weeks ago. I was grabbing onto any semblance of understanding for trials. I debated sharing this here, but I've written so much about our infertility journey that I wanted to share my feelings.

Almost three weeks ago, I saw this.


Yep, a positive pregnancy test. The one thing I've been prayed for two years. 
And magically, it happened naturally.
I use the word magic because for me it felt like magic.
I never ever thought we would be able to get pregnant on our own again, but we did.

It was a fantastic 6 days.
6 days I got to join the rest of the fertile world. I looked at pregnant bellies with anticipation instead of disappointment. 
I looked at maternity clothes and baby clothes (something I haven't let myself do, because I was emotionally trying to protect myself)
I planned, I schemed, and I imagined what those little hands and feet would look like. 

And then it ended. 
I was cautious the entire time I knew I was pregnant because the miscarriage statistic is pretty high, especially for those first few weeks. But I couldn't help myself from getting excited.

It hurts and some days it's so hard to find understanding when there isn't any.
But if I have learned anything during the last years of infertility, it's that life is not random. 
I don't have understanding of all the trials in my life, but I do trust in my Heavenly Father.

I'm choosing to embrace this heartache as a sign of hope. The miscarriage coupled with the recent discovery that I haven't been having multiple cyst ruptures every year, is a good sign. 
A sign that my body is fixing itself and I will eventually be able to carry another pregnancy. 
A sign that our family isn't complete yet and that the miracle we've been praying for is near.

I know a lot of women experience a loss of a pregnancy, and everyone handles it differently. 
My thoughts and feelings about my own loss are just that, my own. 
For anyone reading who is struggling with infertility or has experienced a loss, 
my heart and prayers are with you.

XOXO,
Holly & Co.

1 comment:

Keshet said...

Oh, Holly--I'm so sorry to hear this news. keeping you in my thoughts and prayers, my friend.

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